Porn is love you can see.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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