I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
