hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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