Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
