i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
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Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
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I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
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