Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm too high and old for this...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
