shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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