I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
