Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
