If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
