Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
