i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
