Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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