in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
