i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
