Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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