hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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