She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
