somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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