??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize