If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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