we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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