she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
