I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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