if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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