$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.