Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
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I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
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"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.