Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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