Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Dignity is for republicans.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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