I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
