I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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