hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
