I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
