I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
