And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
