i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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