I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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