I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
