We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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