Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
