threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
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Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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I believe in your delicious
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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