I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
