im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
