I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
