I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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