shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
