her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Success! We fucked roommates!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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