Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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