someone owes me an orgasm
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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