I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
