Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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