i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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