If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
