I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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