no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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