Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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