She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
